


Two Peas in a Pod

by vestais



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, completely covered in peas, das a peepo, nipple trouble, overwatch takes place in the futuristic year 2007, tumbleweed family, two ponchos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 23:09:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8263856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vestais/pseuds/vestais
Summary: The relationship between Hanzo Shimada and Jesse McCree finally blossoms like a beautiful ripe pea plant.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ha ha ha what the fuck

Two peas in a pod

“Ahh, finally time for lunch.” Jesse McCree gestured to the new recruit in line beside him. “Hard work sure makes a man hungry, don’ it partner?” he chuckled while elbowing his neighbor lightly. The young man nodded nervously, trying to straighten out the items on his lunch tray. He had heard all the stories about McCree, and now the famous Overwatch hero was actually talking to him! However, Jesse seemed oblivious to the way he made almost every stranger around him completely starstruck. The man was so charismatic, and he didn’t even seem to notice: the carefree way he joked around with anyone, the confidence he exuded, the way he walked, hell maybe even that classic cowboy smell had something to do with the way McCree could make anyone stutter and blush.

Hanzo Shimada noticed it all from across the cafeteria. He wasn’t sure if it was the open window and chill breeze making his exposed nipple harden, or simply Jesse’s presence. “I hope he comes to sit with me,” Hanzo thought to himself as he attempted to take a bite of his green peas. While he stared across the room at the other man, the peas rolled off his spoon and onto the floor. “Wait, fuck!” Hanzo’s train of thought continued. “What about my nipple?” If Jesse came to sit close to Hanzo, he might notice the way Hanzo’s chest was visibly aroused. Oh god, the cowboy had reached the end of the lunch line, and was slowly making his way to sit down. He was coming in Hanzo’s general direction! “He’s coming in my general direction!” Hanzo thought to himself in a panic. Quickly picking up his lunch tray, Hanzo deftly covered his exposed pec as the object of his affection continued to draw nearer. Peas began to gently roll down Hanzo’s toned chest, into his kimono and across his ten pack abs. Hanzo clutched the lunch tray ever tighter, attempting fruitlessly to stop the peaceful cascade of legumes. Great, now Jesse was going to see him completely covered in peas!!!!!

“Howdy, Hanzo,” Jesse interrupted his coworker’s troubled thoughts. “You seem to be … completely covered ‘n peas.” The older Shimada brother thought it didn’t sound so bad when he said it in that sexy cowboy drawl. “Is that apple sauce?” The American swiped a blob of appley mush off of Hanzo’s kimono with a single finger. “What’re ya doin’ fumbling around with your tray like that anyhow?” The Japanese man with the dragon tattoo began to blush. “I just got … a little chilly. It’s just a little chilly … in here,” he answered pathetically. “Well that sure as hell ain’t gonna warm you up!” McCree exclaimed.

“Why don’cha borrow my poncho, for this weather?”

The younger-than-Hanzo-by-one-year man’s suggestion caught the older-than-McCree-by-one-year man off guard. “W-what!?” Hanzo exclaimed. “Borrow my poncho!” McCree bellowed heartily. “You can return it to me later.”

The dragon man completely covered in peas nodded weakly, watching with pure untainted lust, as the cowboy began to undress. With one hand securing his hat, Jesse used the other to pull his dusty poncho over his head. Underneath was a smaller and lighter poncho, for less severe weather. A small tumbleweed released itself from the inner confines of McCree’s garment, and rolled gently across the floor. Somewhere in the distance, an old man played a single drawn out note on his harmonica. “Well how ‘bout that?” Jesse chuckled. “I didn’t even know that was in there.” Casually, McCree bent down to pick up the tumbleweed and stuffed it back into his pocket. “Might as well save it for later.”

As the 37-year-old brunette turned around to leave, he briefly turned around again, to turn to face Hanzo. “Bring that ol’ girl back to my room around 7 tonight,” he said. “Till then, she’s all yours.” The cowboy receded into the distance, leaving Hanzo clutching the dusty poncho, with an expression of shock.

The 38 year old’s vibrant orange lunch tray clattered to the floor. “Oh right,” Hanzo thought to himself as a small tidal wave of peas began to engulf the room. “I took the poncho from McCree with both hands.” Hanzo whipped on McCree’s poncho using the speed acquired with his warrior training. As he stood up, even more peas were unleashed from the bottom of his kimono, contributing to the already torrential downpour of peas across the cafeteria. “Oh god!” Hanzo exclaimed allowed. “They aren’t stopping!” With his eagle eyes darting frantically across the cafeteria, Hanzo spotted Winston shoveling peas into his enormous mouth.

“I can’t eat fast enough!” the gorilla roared as a panic overtook the room of overwatch agents. “We have to evacuate!”

Chapter 2

“That was some stunt you pulled at lunch today Shimada.” Hanzo’s heroic archer posture drooped as Winston approached him on the Overwatch training grounds. The primate narrowed his eyes angrily. “I don’t know how you did it, but you had better never do it again.” Hanzo didn’t know how he did it either, but not taking responsibility was against his honorable nature. “I’m very sorry sir.”

“SORRY ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!” Winston shouted. “Tracer has been taken to the infirmary for her injuries! Mei barely escaped certain death by freezing herself! Even Zarya couldn’t lift all those peas!” Hanzo let out a sigh of shame. This wasn’t the way a Shimada brother was supposed to act. Especially not in front of his crush! “I am assigning you to help clean up the cafeteria after lunch hour every day this week!” Winston’s primal screech was heard by everyone outside. Hanzo groaned. How embarrassing! 

 

Normally, Jesse McCree wasn’t capable of taking a break from his busy schedule. Not that it wasn’t possible, of course. As an incredibly famous and valuable member of Overwatch, McCree could weasel his way into (or out of) doing almost anything he pleased. But keeping himself occupied at all times helped McCree take his mind off of other things.

Things like Hanzo Shimada.

Jesse McCree had been completely smitten with the older Shimada brother since day one. And after seeing him in the cafeteria, completely covered in peas, it was too much for the cowboy to bear. He dodged an important meeting to spend the afternoon in his private room, with only the tumbleweed for company. As McCree flopped down on his luxurious king sized bed, images of Hanzo’s exposed pec after he let go of the lunch tray danced through his mind. Had Hanzo’s nipple been hard? Or was it just his imagination? Regardless of the truth, McCree’s imagination was going wild. Hanzo’s single pec covered in peas became Hanzo completely naked, lying on a bed of peas. Hanzo’s toned abs were almost like peas inside a pod. The image of Hanzo’s naked body animorphed into a huge pod of peas in McCree’s mind.

He couldn’t take it any more. Ripping off his second poncho, McCree gently placed it over the tumbleweed sitting on his bedside table. “Don’t look,” he muttered sternly as he continued to undress, finally revealing his bulging erection. He was completely naked, aside from his favourite cowboy hat.

 

A sharp knock at the door rudely woke the six-foot-one-inch man several hours later. “Fuck!” As his chocolate-brown eyes slowly opened, McCree realized he had fallen asleep. For hours. And of course, he was still naked. “I’m coming in!” called a familiar voice from the direction of the door. McCree only had time to snatch his lightweight poncho off of the expensive oak bedside table to cover his most important area before Hanzo came barging into the room.

“McCree, I brought you back yo-” the other man stopped dead in the middle of his sentence. Both of the men began to blush profusely as their eyes met. Although they had secretly lusted after each other for years, neither of them had ever expected anything like this.

Chapter 3

“You’re naked!” Hanzo exclaimed as McCree remained on his bed, desperately clutching the poncho over his crotch. He could feel the heat rushing to his dick again, right in front of Hanzo. God dammit! This wasn’t the time! Jesse fought to come up with an answer, as images of ripe, juicy peas once again sprang to his mind. “Haha, I sure am. How about that?” The cowboy couldn’t refrain from gazing lustfully into Hanzo’s mesmerizing eyes. At his chiseled nose and cheekbones, the grey beginning to creep into his lustrous black hair. The bright pink flush overcoming the five-foot-eight-inch-man-with-the-dragon-tattoo-across-his-left-arm’s face. A single bead of sweat escaped the hairline of the man who had tried to kill his younger brother. It almost looked like a lone pea, without a pod.

Hanzo hurriedly shut the door behind him. “L- li sten, normally I would just leave but… there’s something I h-have to show you,” he stuttered awkwardly. McCree was effectively trapped, naked, sprawled on top of his bedsheets. Any attempt to move could expose his raging boner for Hanzo, to Hanzo. The precarious situation only served to fluster him even more.

Hanzo slowly unwrapped McCree’s over-poncho to reveal a second, smaller tumbleweed. “There was another one,” he whispered gently, almost reverently, as he held the bundle out for the other agent to see. As the two men locked gazes, McCree let out a deep breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding in.

“A baby.”

As Hanzo nodded, his jet-black hair rustled in front of his amber eyes. The reality of the situation snapped McCree back to reality. “We hafta return this family to the wild!” he exclaimed. “I can’t believe I was savin’ that tumbleweed for a snack, not knowing the whole time that it was a mother!” Panic began to rise in McCree’s chest. “Put the baby down and let me get dressed!” he ordered Hanzo aggressively.

 

Only moments later, the two men had taken off in an official Overwatch vehicle. “Where are we headed again?” Hanzo questioned, awkwardly. He was supposed to be doing a good deed, and all he could think about was the other man’s muscular body. In so many ways, it was just like his own. “We’re both really buff,” the Shimada muttered under his breath.

“Pardon?”

“O-oh I said uh, I said we’re close to that bluff!” McCree looked at his travel partner quizzically. “I mean we sure are gettin’ there,” he answered. “But it’s still a ways to Route 66. Dangerous territory, but you already know that.” Sweat began to bead again on Hanzo’s forehead. These tumbleweeds were from Route 66? How recently had McCree been there, to have them still stuck under his poncho? And what had he been doing? Hanzo didn’t even want to think about it. There were still so many mysteries to McCree that he didn’t even know. But yet another question rose to the arrow shooter’s mind:

“Do you ever take off that hat?” Hanzo blurted, thinking about the other man completely naked, wearing only his cowboy hat. And regretted it immediately.

“Of course not!” McCree snapped. “Everyone knows that the hat makes the cowboy! You can’t be a cowboy without the hat! I wear it at all times!” he exclaimed angrily. “How many years have you known me now, and you haven’t figured out my cowboy code?” Hanzo flushed, provoked by the other man’s anger. “Cowboy code? I don’t even know what that means!”

Chapter 4

“That’s right pardner, the cowboy code.” Jesse McCree aggressively lit up a cigar, scowling at Hanzo, and looking out the window too. “The way I live my life. The laws I abide by. I considered you a friend, but I guess we were never close enough for you to learn this.” Hanzo let out a sharp intake of breath. “McCree I’m so sorry!” he sobbed. “You’re right, I should have known how much the hat means to you!” McCree turned to face the other man. His eyes softened, under his bushy eyebrows that looked like wooly caterpillars. “God, listen to us…” he lamented. “Arguing in front of the baby.” Turning his eyes back to the road, Jesse was silent for the remainder of the trip.

 

“Well, here it is.” McCree’s words brought the truck to a standstill. The harsh screech of an eagle was heard overhead, followed by a soft plopping sound on the top of the vehicle. Both men ignored the soft plopping sound. “Route 66,” McCree continued. “You’re right,” Hanzo said. “Yep,” said McCree. “I am.” The two agents got out of the car, McCree gently picking up the tumbleweed family. “Where should we release them?” Hanzo asked. “Right about here’s good,” the man wearing two ponchos answered. “They’ll find their way anywhere they wanna go. Tumbleweeds are highly intelligent creatures.” Softly kneeling down, Hanzo watched as McCree set the two tumbleweeds on the ground. Immediately, they began to roll gracefully away into the sunset. Somewhere in the distance, the same old man played a single drawn out note on his harmonica once again. Hanzo wiped a tear from his eye. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” he whispered to the other guy standing beside him.

“I have.”

Hanzo turned to McCree in surprise. “What do you mean?” “Yer eyes, Hanzo,” McCree answered. “The way that they’re uh, all brown n’ stuff.” Hanzo’s gorgeous brown eyes like crystal brown amber jewels widened underneath a strand of his raven-black hair that had blown in front of his face. His cheeks flushed red like a tomato. A sexy tomato. “I can’t believe ‘s taken me so long to say this to you, Hanzo…” McCree continued. As the man with the cowboy hat struggled to find his words, Hanzo roughly grabbed him and kissed him on the mouth. The two Overwatch agents embraced passionately, surrounded by the stark beauty of nature. As their lips parted, McCree chuckled. “Guess I didn’t even hafta say anythin’ after all.”

“Say it anyway,” Hanzo whispered sensually. McCree looked away in embarrassment, before turning back to Hanzo. The two men locked eyes another time. “Let’s fuck” McCree said.

Hanzo chuckled in embarrassment. “I have one request.” “Well let’s hear it.”

“Lose the hat.”

“No.”

Hanzo stared at the man in full cowboy attire in the year 2007 with wide eyed shock and disbelief. His eyes were wide with shock and disbelief. “Jesse!” he exclaimed. “Please!”

Jesse reluctantly took off his treasured cowboy hat. He was loath to break the cowboy code, but his lust for Hanzo was just too strong. “O..only for you, Hanzo..” he stuttered, as his luscious brown locks rippled gently in the breeze. “Im ready to put my mouth around your dick and latch on like a diamondback rattlesnake,” McCree hissed gently (like a rattlesnake). The cowboy removed his hat, only to reveal a third tiny tumbleweed. As the tumbleweed bounced down spontaneously from the top of McCree’s head, the cowboy let out a wild shriek. “WHAT IN THE GODDAMN?” The third tumbleweed deftly rolled away into the night, searching for the rest of its family. The two overwatch agents doubled over in uncontrollable laughter. “Ha ha ha!” they both said.

The two men made their way back to the car, both laughing and blushing. “Are we still gonna have sex?” McCree mumbled. He stopped abruptly in his tracks. “Hanzo, I dunno if there’s a right way to say this but … when I saw you this mornin’, completely covered in peas….” His voice trailed off. “What about the peas?” Hanzo questioned. “The peas just … made you even more beautiful,” McCree intoned gently, reaching out to stroke Hanzo’s cheek.

The two men continued on their way back to the car, McCree flinging open the door to the back seat. As Hanzo began to undress, thousands of peas began to flood out of his kimono and onto the ground. McCree grabbed the other man to pull him close, and the two made love passionately for hours, completely covered in peas. When they were finally done, the two men cuddled together under McCree’s ponchos, like two peas in a pod.

~THE END~


End file.
